My mind is an odd place to be. Think about a super-speed radio set to scan with a TV on loudly in the background and three hundred people talking to you about different things. While all of this is happening, you are trying to do one of those double-sided puzzles in thirty seconds. Your house is also on fire and you are in charge of determining what to take and saving all fifty of your families hamsters. The hamsters are also on fire and you have to feed them handmade jellybeans to make them safe to handle. You are also on a unicycle during all of this. You are probably also on some sort of upper, and your heart is going a bajillion beats per minute and you can't focus because you're singing showtunes in your head.
Welcome to my mind. My mental adventures used to be so bad that I couldn't sleep at night. My parents tried to make me listen to "Sounds of the Sea: Soothing Selections Part 2" and "Harmony: the Music of Nature" to help me fall asleep. They tried giving me warm milk, cold milk, bananas, turkey, bribes and hugs, but nothing worked. My nine-year-old mind was going at the speed of light and they couldn't stop it. I was fairly convinced that I had ADD or some sort of brain tumor. When my viBRAINtions (see what I did thurr?) became so bad that I was confined to a couch and was only able to swallow two pieces of pasta before feeling ill, my parents knew that something was wrong. They started taking me to people to talk about my anxiety (so that's what it was! That's not such a scary word to say; please don't judge me for saying it. I have an anxiety problem and probably always have and will. That makes me no less badass. Just making sure you're aware.) problem. My doctor was a lady who let me play with chalk and markers. I liked her. After a while I was managing very well, playing soccer, hanging out with my friends and wasn't confined to the couch when the static became too hard to handle. We said goodbye to my doctor and hello to middle school. Yes, I was one of those mixed up kids shuttled from therapists to soccer in their mom's minivan.
Anyways, my anxiety waxed and waned but never truly went away. I spent my ninth grade in a constant state of unease. My tenth grade was a mess of social anxiety, my eleventh grade was full of a general buzzing in my head that led me to do stupid things, and my twelfth grade was spent in a state of insomnia.
I used to think that I could just pop a pill, talk to a dude with glasses and a clipboard and I would be alright. I just knew that one day there would be a switch that flipped in my head and I would be just like everybody else. My mind would be peaceful and I would finally be able to function normally and be happy without stress. (Just so you know, my mind is such that I can't ever truly relax.) I hoped that once I turned 16 I would be a normal teenager. When that failed, I longed for my seventeenth birthday switch into peace. Like waiting for your Hogwart's acceptance letter when you turn eleven, I was constantly disappointed like I was checking the mailbox every day to no avail.
After a few more years of having to constantly stay moving, always needing to have a book on me in case I was forced to sit and wait, and counting things by threes to stave of the impending boredom and buzzing when I was forced to sit still, I was completely resigned to the idea of ever getting "better."I still am completely resigned to this idea. I will probably never be "normal." I will never be able to sit still without jiggling my foot or becoming terrified of the noise in my head. I will definitely never be able to feed the jellybeans to the hamsters without falling off of my unicycle while the house burns down.
You know what?
I'm alright with this.
It may not be pleasant, but I've learned how to turn down the volume on my mental radio. Instead of obnoxious NYAN CAT!!! all the time at maximum volume, it's turned down to a Beatles song (Penny lane?) at around medium volume.
And while my mental radio might be too loud to allow me to get great grades in school or sit still for long enough to finish a project to my satisfaction without working at 234929587 miles per second, I have come to love my mental radio station. Even if it is staticky and frustrating at times, it makes me the way I am. Because of my buzzing I can work really fast. I can understand concepts easily (No idea how that one works), I can learn relatively quickly and I have an interesting mind-video going constantly. It's like a documentary about pictures you find in peoples' recycling bins and trying to recreate a story from them.
It may not be pleasant, but I've come to love it. It's like having a little scar that you come to appreciate. It gives me character and I guess that, while I may not have gotten my letter from Hogwarts, I'm okay with that.
Scratch that. I'm more than okay with that.
I'm off to feed some hamsters now.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Cake vs Pie: this could get messy.
I am very passionate about cake. It would be very easy for me to simply say, "Cake is better and pie sucks. The end, xoxo Gossip Melissa" and leave it at that. However, logic and dialectical disputes have taught me that you must consider each side of the argument. For this comparison, see below plz:
Cake: Pros:
-Creative License: you can get very creative with cake. Ultimate Cake off, Cake Boss, Cupcake Diva's and Ace of Cakes are all Tv shows. For some reason, this doesn't quite work the same way with pie. Creativity is important, and cake is very conducive to imagination. See here, plz. And here
- Tasty Options: Cheesecake, ice cream cake, petit fours, cupcakes, smores cake, orange creamsicle cake, nutella chocolate chip banana cake, cookie dough cupcakes, poptart flavoured cupcakes and countless other choices are available for cake. There is also the option of including mousse in the filling, creating a mixture of cheesecake and cake, including chocolate and fruit, becoming adventurous with mediums (I saw a cake made of meatloaf), and making a cake with different flavours in each area (think half-creamsicle with raspberry bottom? Ooh la la)
-Emotional Significance: Who the hell has a wedding pie? How do you celebrate Baby's First Birthday with a piece of cherry pie? Can you resign from your job with a cake? A man named Neil did that. For some reason, stating that you're going to blow out the candles on your birthday pie does not quite carry the same connotations as saying I'm going to go have birthday cake. This could change, but it has become assumed knowledge that Cake is the way to go for celebrations.
Cons: Storebought cake can taste stale, and if a cake is not made right it pales in comparison to other desserts. I always say that if you hate cake, you've never had a real cake. To be honest, I don't always say that. I just made it up. But it's true.
Pie: Pros:
-Pie has lots of fruit. Fruit is nice.
-Pie crust is Delishdkfusd
Cons:
-Crust is the best part of pie.
-Cooked fruit is slippery and gross. Fruit should be eaten in natural form, not cooked into a mush for a toothless wonder.
There. Problem Solved. However, if you're feeling in the mood for a compromise, you should look into making a delicious treat that involves cookies, cakes, and pies.
Cake: Pros:
-Creative License: you can get very creative with cake. Ultimate Cake off, Cake Boss, Cupcake Diva's and Ace of Cakes are all Tv shows. For some reason, this doesn't quite work the same way with pie. Creativity is important, and cake is very conducive to imagination. See here, plz. And here
- Tasty Options: Cheesecake, ice cream cake, petit fours, cupcakes, smores cake, orange creamsicle cake, nutella chocolate chip banana cake, cookie dough cupcakes, poptart flavoured cupcakes and countless other choices are available for cake. There is also the option of including mousse in the filling, creating a mixture of cheesecake and cake, including chocolate and fruit, becoming adventurous with mediums (I saw a cake made of meatloaf), and making a cake with different flavours in each area (think half-creamsicle with raspberry bottom? Ooh la la)
-Emotional Significance: Who the hell has a wedding pie? How do you celebrate Baby's First Birthday with a piece of cherry pie? Can you resign from your job with a cake? A man named Neil did that. For some reason, stating that you're going to blow out the candles on your birthday pie does not quite carry the same connotations as saying I'm going to go have birthday cake. This could change, but it has become assumed knowledge that Cake is the way to go for celebrations.
Cons: Storebought cake can taste stale, and if a cake is not made right it pales in comparison to other desserts. I always say that if you hate cake, you've never had a real cake. To be honest, I don't always say that. I just made it up. But it's true.
Pie: Pros:
-Pie has lots of fruit. Fruit is nice.
-Pie crust is Delishdkfusd
Cons:
-Crust is the best part of pie.
-Cooked fruit is slippery and gross. Fruit should be eaten in natural form, not cooked into a mush for a toothless wonder.
There. Problem Solved. However, if you're feeling in the mood for a compromise, you should look into making a delicious treat that involves cookies, cakes, and pies.
Music that Moves Me
This essay is also a tricky one for me to write. Showtunes are generally my go-to tune, but there are two different albums that have completely changed the way I look at my life. Hurr wee goh:
-Hospital Music by Matthew Good: Matthew Good was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after overdosing on pain killers in his shower and being admitted to hospital. During his time in the hospital, he wrote this hauntingly beautiful album. The songs are written in such a way that you really feel what he was going through. His lyrics are beautiful, and the songs stay with you for a long time after you listen to them. See here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3yISjGHGQo to get an inkling. Not only is he Canadian (ten points for you, glen coco), his music can actually speak to you. Is this not what music is for? Especially since I have some morbid obsession with psychiatric hospitals (see my Useless Knowledge essay), this entire album just amazes me, regardless of how many times I listen to it. His website used to have an entire illustrated history of his struggle with bipolar disorder and included the backstories of a few of his songs, but it got deleted when he released his new album. While I wish I could include this to give you a little more information about how complex this album really is, I can't. So just trust me, k?
-Jackson Square by Arkells: they are from Hamilton. I've lived in Hamilton my entire life and love this city more than I can admit. Arkells went to Mac and lived on Arkell street (woo, famous!). While (correct me if I'm wrong, it's been a while since I did my research) none of the members of the band are originally from Hamilton, they found the beauty in the smog and dust that I've been trying to explain to people for the past few years. They wrote an entire album dedicated to/inspired by the city of Hamilton, and I am so happy. "Abigail" is based on an overheard conversation in the Jackson Square food court and "Oh, The Boss is Coming!" is based on working at East Side Mario's in University Plaza, for example. While most of this album deals with relationships and life at university (Mac wooo!), it still gives you a perfect taste of being a teenager/"young adult"/almost-grown-up and how this is affected by life in Hamilton. I also listened to this album during one of my favourite summers, and the songs all have happy memories associated with them for me. Furthermore, my extremely drunk boyfriend decided that "I'm not the sun" was our song one night. All in all, one of my favourite albums.
-Hospital Music by Matthew Good: Matthew Good was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after overdosing on pain killers in his shower and being admitted to hospital. During his time in the hospital, he wrote this hauntingly beautiful album. The songs are written in such a way that you really feel what he was going through. His lyrics are beautiful, and the songs stay with you for a long time after you listen to them. See here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3yISjGHGQo to get an inkling. Not only is he Canadian (ten points for you, glen coco), his music can actually speak to you. Is this not what music is for? Especially since I have some morbid obsession with psychiatric hospitals (see my Useless Knowledge essay), this entire album just amazes me, regardless of how many times I listen to it. His website used to have an entire illustrated history of his struggle with bipolar disorder and included the backstories of a few of his songs, but it got deleted when he released his new album. While I wish I could include this to give you a little more information about how complex this album really is, I can't. So just trust me, k?
-Jackson Square by Arkells: they are from Hamilton. I've lived in Hamilton my entire life and love this city more than I can admit. Arkells went to Mac and lived on Arkell street (woo, famous!). While (correct me if I'm wrong, it's been a while since I did my research) none of the members of the band are originally from Hamilton, they found the beauty in the smog and dust that I've been trying to explain to people for the past few years. They wrote an entire album dedicated to/inspired by the city of Hamilton, and I am so happy. "Abigail" is based on an overheard conversation in the Jackson Square food court and "Oh, The Boss is Coming!" is based on working at East Side Mario's in University Plaza, for example. While most of this album deals with relationships and life at university (Mac wooo!), it still gives you a perfect taste of being a teenager/"young adult"/almost-grown-up and how this is affected by life in Hamilton. I also listened to this album during one of my favourite summers, and the songs all have happy memories associated with them for me. Furthermore, my extremely drunk boyfriend decided that "I'm not the sun" was our song one night. All in all, one of my favourite albums.
Lights, Camera, Action! One Movie Everyone Should Watch
Big Fish, Big Fish, Big Fish. I was obsessed with this movie for an extended period of time. For some reason, the tale of a man and his tall-tale telling father makes me so happy and hopeful and inspired.
Here is a synopsis: Man goes to see his Papa. Papa is dying and has spent his whole life telling lots of extremely unbelievable stories. Papa dies. All stories turn out to be a little bit true.
For some reason, this movie gives me an appreciation for the extreme storytelling and fables of past generations. Seeing them acted out by Ewan MacGregor (I don't know if you spell his name like that, but I do know that our love will blossom and grow over the years to come, and we will date happily before Daniel Craig takes notice of me and I have to make a life-wrenching decision and end up marrying my arranged husband because my dowry finally comes through) in such beautiful special effects really makes you feel like you're there. You almost wish that your life could be as big as the life of the characters in this movie. Honestly, I have nothing but good things to say about this movie. You need to watch it for yourself.
Here is a synopsis: Man goes to see his Papa. Papa is dying and has spent his whole life telling lots of extremely unbelievable stories. Papa dies. All stories turn out to be a little bit true.
For some reason, this movie gives me an appreciation for the extreme storytelling and fables of past generations. Seeing them acted out by Ewan MacGregor (I don't know if you spell his name like that, but I do know that our love will blossom and grow over the years to come, and we will date happily before Daniel Craig takes notice of me and I have to make a life-wrenching decision and end up marrying my arranged husband because my dowry finally comes through) in such beautiful special effects really makes you feel like you're there. You almost wish that your life could be as big as the life of the characters in this movie. Honestly, I have nothing but good things to say about this movie. You need to watch it for yourself.
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