To be honest, I enjoy and admire all vices to some extent. There are a few I don’t respect, such as greed, pride and vanity, but there are a few that are just plain fun.
Please note: the following passages were made in a factory that processes gratuitous use of the word “fuck.” If you are squeamish, have sensitive retinas or photographic memories, please do not read the last section of this essay.
Gluttony: If I had unlimited amounts of money for food and stretchy pants (which you must wear in your room sometimes, just for fun), I would be all over this gluttony shit. There is nothing more satisfying than eating obscene amounts of food. I live for all you can eat buffets (when I remember to eat) and once ate an entire box of cereal and a gallon of milk just so my mom wouldn’t throw them out. My goal in life would be, if it were socially acceptable and fiscally responsible, to eat myself into the ground. Unfortunately I barely have enough money for rent and will not be able to do this. If only I could afford to be the thousand pound lady at the circus or the morbidly obese man whose life is built around the festive special at Swiss Chalet. I’m currently working as an au pair in Italy, and people here do not like to waste food. They do not throw anything out and consider it rude if you don’t finish what is on your plate. I am so happy here. Yesterday there were an extra three plates of pasta leftover from lunch. The family was mad at the kids for not eating enough. I was happy with them and more than willing to finish them.
Lust: I find odd things fascinating. Lust is one of these things. I could never become someone who goes around having casual sex with dozens/hundreds/thousands of partners (I wonder what the world record is for that, though), but twenty points for nymphos. I think it’s awesome that you’re so comfortable with what you want and aren’t afraid to risk having a baby or contracting a disease to get it. I’m not a very sexually comfortable person. To some extents I am, but I still laugh during any sex-ed and crack up reading cosmo. For an example of this, please google the “passion propeller” sex position. I wish I were more comfortable with this type of stuff. I would wear sexy lingerie under all of my clothes just in case (Superman/Superhoe style) and give out lube and condoms for birthday gifts. I would give ten points to Tila Tequila, because she likes to fuck so much she wrote a song about it. We would be bffls. But that will not happen any time soon, so ten points anyway.
Sloth: Lying around and doing nothing all the time is so satisfying. I am a firm believer in sleeping past noon and never walking when you can drive. I have not exercised with the intention of exercising in over a year. I would love to be able to have unlimited money for food and supplies, a mountain of movies and books, servants and people to visit me. I would essentially be paid to sit on my ass and I would be extremely good at it. If I got paid a nickel for every time I could have done something productive and didn’t, I would be a friggin millionaire.
Wrath: I fucking love when people are angry and don’t give a shit. I don’t like it when they’re flipping out every two seconds, but I love in the movies when the shy girl goes “FUCK THIS NOISE” and goes Kill Bill on everyone. I’ve also kind of always wanted to get into a fist fight, just to see what it was like. I think it would be really fun and I think I could rock a black eye. Another odd thing I find interesting is raw human emotion, and anger is one of the most interesting of these. It may be trashy, but I will reward another ten points to the girls who get into fist fights at bars and yell to their friends “YO GIRL HOLD MA HEELS IMMA FUCK THIS BITCH UP.” As long as you don’t kill each other, good for you! Knock each other the fuck out, jock on each other’s bitch asses, and do as you please.
This may be against the first and second rules of the establishment, but I would be more than willing to coordinate some type of fight club. We could all bodyslam and tackle each other to relax after exams and studying. Plus! Pain releases endorphins in your body and this helps relax you (Fun fact! This is believed to be why people self-mutilate, such as cutting: it is believed to be self-medicating for pre-existing conditions, such as depression, as the endorphins released from the pain temporarily relieve the symptoms of their conditions). You know my phone number.
I also kind of wish it were socially acceptable for girls to play fight without the premise of Girls Gone Wild 6. I’m jealous, oddly enough, when I have to drive my boyfriend to the emergency room for a slightly dislocated shoulder from a 280 pound friend’s tackle.
In summary, if you are a huge skank, eat so much you’re a human punching bag, move so rarely that people mistake you for a beanbag chair, and actually get used as a punching bag and beanbag chair of sorts, or you use other people for the same purpose, good for you! I’d love to talk to you and break the first and second rules of fight club. Come find me!
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